Butterscotch Ridge

The mildly to altogether embellished adventures of a standard American

Archive for the category “Family”

The Green Vested Book Worm (for Homeschoolers)

This a rewrite of The Cat in The Hat and was written for the HEARTS graduation speech I gave recently, but proved too long, so it ended up on the cutting room floor…

The public school was off
Mom wouldn’t let us play
So we sat in the house
And did studies that day

I sat there with Jedidiah,
Dorkus and Aaron
And I said, “How I wish
our glum lives weren’t so barren.”

Too many phonograms
Too many book reports
We just want some free time
in disorganized sports

So we sat at our desks to
Learn! Learn! Learn! Learn!
While on the inside
Things were starting to churn

Then something went ring
A-ring-tingaty-ting
And we cracked the door open
to a strange sort of thing

We looked
Then we saw him do a nonchalant squirm
We looked
And we saw him
The green vested book worm,
And he said to us,
“This is no way to learn.”

“I know you’re home schooled
And it can be a big bummer.
But we can still have fun
And not wait until summer.”

“I know some good games we can play,”
Said the worm.
“Away from your desks,”
Said the green vested worm.
“Educational games.
It will be a snap.
And your mother won’t even
Awake from her nap.”

Then the the four of us gaped
We didn’t know what to say
During mother’s nap time
We were forbidden to play

Then our chicken said “No! No!
Make that worm leave this place.”
You see our chicken was free range
He didn’t have social grace.
“Tell that worm you do classical
That books and study are the way
Tell that worm education
Must never involve play.”

“Now! Now! Settle down.
Settle down!” said the worm.
“My methods are not bad.”
Then the chicken started to squirm.
“Why, we can have
Educational fun, if we quicken.
With a game that I call
Pluck-pluck-pluck the fat chicken.”

“Put me down!” said the chick.
“Unhand my soft down.
Put me down!” said the chick.
“Put me down, put me down!”

“Have no fear!” said the worm.
“I won’t take every feather.
I’ll pluck just a few.
I won’t strip you to leather.
It won’t hurt very much
They’ll grow back nice and firm
But that is not all I can do!”
Said the worm.

“Check this out!
Check this out!” said the worm in the vest
“With these feathers I’ve plucked
I can make a head dress!
I can dance a rain dance!
I can smoke a peace pipe!
And spin a small ball!
And with my tail I can type!
I can type 40 words and not err at all!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all…

“Check this out!”
Check this out!
Isn’t this sweet!
Education can be fun
It can even be neat.
I can wear my head dress
And do my rain dance!
I can smoke my peace pipe!
And do a cool kind of prance!
I can spin the small ball!
I can type with my tail
And not make one mistake!
While I jump over a pail!
I can read Animal Farm
And heat the oven to bake!
And look! Isn’t this cool!
Are you starting to wake?
I can do all these things
As I quote Peter Pan!
But I can do so much more
Oh, yes.
I sure can…

That is what the worm said…
Then he tripped on the pail!
He came down like a rock
And started to flail.
And my siblings and I
We just wanted to bail!

And our chicken came down too.
He could no longer fly!
He said, “My poor feathers!”
And he started to cry.
“This book worm in his vest!”
He forged through his tears.
“He’s ruining your lives,
Your impressionable years!”

“Yo, worm, check it out!”
He tried to sound street.
“This ain’t right what you’ve done!
It’s an unconscionable feat!
Our typewriter’s sitting
In an old yellow pail
And my feathers are mixed up
With yesterday’s mail
Our Animal Farm
Well, you’ve broken it’s binder
And Dorkus has run off
However will we finder her?
You shouldn’t be in our house.
Not while mother is napping!
Oh, if I just had some hands
Your worm face, I’d be slapping!

“But, I like here.
This place is totally sick!”
Said the green vested worm
To the shivering chick.
“I can’t leave here now.
It just wouldn’t be swell!
And well,” said the worm.
“Well
well
well…
I know some more educational
Games I can tell!”

And then he slithered out the door.
And then fast as a slug,
The green vested book worm
Draged back in a rolled rug.

A big woven rug
It was adorned with nice tassel
“I found this cool thing
In and old English castle!”

Then he set it on the floor
And he shored up his vest
“I call this new game
Let’s hope for the best!
This is no normal rug,
When I roll it out flat
You will meet a new thing
He’s a cool kind of cat!”

“I will roll it out now
Do not fear, he’s no crook!
He will teach you some things
You can’t find in a book!”
With a wick of his tail
The rug rolled cross the floor
And it stopped just short
Of the living room door.
Then stretching and moaning
And giving us a fright!
Stood right in our house,
A most fearsome black knight!

My siblings and I
Did not want to make light!
So we bowed low and humble
Before the medieval knight.
He patted our heads,
And told us to rise.
But our chicken was steamed,
Like fresh baked bot pies!
“No! No!” said the chicken.
“He’s brandishing a sword!
He needs to be gone,
Of his own accord!
They should not be here,
While your mother sleeps
You must rid this house
Of these dangerous creeps!”

“Don’t be scared, little chicken,”
Said the worm in the vest.
“He’s an honorable knight
Under and honorable crest.
He is wise and quite brave
He has fought many wars
He has served some great kings
And served in military corps.”

“Now here is a game
That he uses to teach.”
Said the green vested worm
In an adolescent screech.
“He likes to joust,
To win the hand of the dames.
You’ll like this, it’s one of
His most spectacular games.

“No! Not in the house!”
Our chicken protested.
“There’s furniture and walls
It’s much too congested!
Oh, the things he will bump!
Oh, the things he will break!
Oh, how I don’t like this!
Oh, for goodness sake!”

Then Jedidiah, and Dorkus
And Aaron and I
Watched the great knight
Line up to joust a peach pie.
He ran it right through,
It splattered the wall
It dripped down the couch
And it rolled down the hall.

The knight wasn’t done,
He then jousted our chair!
He jousted a lamp shade!
And my sisters stuffed bear!
He jousted in the kitchen!
He jousted downstairs!
He even got board,
And jousted things in matched pairs!

Then he ran around wildly,
Stabbing things with his sword!
He stabbed my blow dryer
And a nice painting of a fjord!
He jumped on the couch,
And proclaimed, “On guard!”
And I said,
“This knight plays a little to hard!
If he wakes up our mother,
And she sees this big mess
There’s no doubt in my mind
We will feel her new stress!”

Then our chicken said, “What’s that?”
And our chicken shook with fear.
“Your mother is awake! She’ll be down!
Do you hear!
Oh, what will she do to us?
She’s gonna be hot!
I’ll probably end up
In a stew in a pot!”

“Do something! Now!” said the chicken.
“Do you hear!”
I hear her. Your mother!
Your mother is near!
As fast as you can,
You have to make this right!
You will have to get right
Of the valiant sir knight!”

So, as fast as I could,
I went after my rope.
And I said, “With this rope
I can get him, I hope.
I bet with this rope,
I can catch the big dope!”

Then I made a big lasso
And I threw it round his neck
And I had him! The knight
And his armor hit the deck.
Then I said to the worm,
“I’ve bested your knight.
Roll him back up in your rug
And take flight!”

“Oh my!” said the worm.
“I’ve made you feel bad…
Oh my.
How sad!
How sad!
How sad!

Then he rolled up his knight
In the rug with the tassel.
And the worm went away
Without any more hassle.

“That is good,” said the chicken.
“He has gone away. Sure.
But your mom will be down soon
And she won’t be demure!
The mess that they’ve made
Is so dense and so vast,
We can not clean it up.
We should run away fast!

And then!
Who was back through the door?
Why the worm in the vest!
“Have no fear of this mess,”
said the long slimy pest.
“I never leave a disaster in my wake
Don’t you know…
So, I’ll show you one last
Little trick that I know!”

Then we saw him clean up
The big mess they had made.
He picked up the chair,
And the antique lamp shade.
He cleaned up the pie,
And baked it anew.
He straightened the couch
And cleaned up all the goo.
He returned the typewriter
To it’s former spot
He fixed Dorkus’ bear
And then out the door
He shot!

Then mother came down
With her hair all tousled.
Just after us kids to our
School desks had hustled.

Then, to our chagrin
The worm poked under the door
And smiled the grin
We had grown to abhor.

We didn’t’ know what to do
Mother would freak
If she saw a clothed worm
Under our door
Try to sneak

But our chicken proved
What domestic chickens were for.
And he plucked that darn worm
From under the door.
And he swallowed him whole
And licked his sharp chicken beak
And sauntered away
Like a circus chicken geek!

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