Butterscotch Ridge

The mildly to altogether embellished adventures of a standard American

Archive for the category “Stuff”


The Story:

“I hate that store,” I declared as my wife and I climbed into our aging SUV, “it never has anything we need, I hate it.”

“It’s not that bad,”  she said, looking a little dubious of my elevated emotional state.

“Not that bad? Not that bad? It is undoubtedly the worst grocery store on the planet. It’s dirty, unorganized, and yes, on occasion they have something we need, but it’s usually found in the wrong place. They hate their customers, and I hate them right back.”

“Don’t you think you are being a little dramatic?” She asked.

“Dramatic? That wasn’t dramatic. Here,” I said, turning to face her, “let me present to you, dramatic.”

I took a moment to collect my thoughts, channeled my hate energy through a creative filter, and began…

“Methinks t’was with little inner angst, when dusk did replaceth the bleak day. Sudden urgencies beckoned upon m’lady, that I might grant her great gladness with errand so valiant. ‘Begone, oh love so loyal,’ she declared, ‘fetch for me that which fulfillest my deepest desire.  What would, in so firey deep a furry, be subsided, should thou succeed in thy quest.’

‘Revealeth it to me, lest wench you be considered, for tis my desire to grant thee what thou seeketh?’

‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Indeed, for thou filleth my cup that it may overflow never ending. The burden of which, I could not bear, should my soul not be braced by a love so unyielding.’ declared she, barely nimble enough to reach her fair hand to my brawny chest.

‘My desire, nay my need, that cannot bear another tic from yon mocking time piece, be that thou fetcheth me a can of kidney beans, for the vittles set to nourish the fruit of thy loin, require them.’

T’was but for her to wish, that I may spring to the challenge, whether it be battle to death, or to swim a great deep, I would provide for the love that sootheth my soul’s torment. And into the night I did launch.

When breacheth the market portal into which I did at last wander, the quest was on. I sought my ultimate bounty, the can of which my true love did speaketh. T’was daring a journey, and with much effort did I seek the focus of my pursuit. But nay, it was not for my taking that day. T’was thwarted by the impudence of those who have the contenance of a toad.

T’wern’t my destiny to be thwarted, though capacious their ineptitude like that of a forlorn blanket, wert that of this market. Still lame be the chili absent of the bean of kidney.

Infuriated, unable to bear to disappoint the fairest of all, stormed did I, with rage cast asunder, to market more competent and pure, though further hence. T’was there, that at last was satisfied the mark of mine need.

Tis shame such a market as the former, doth strive to dispand all those that would partake of their bounty. Shame, I say, thou dost take me for a sponge! Journey far I will, from this season forward to avoid thy chattels. Thou wouldst eat thy dead vomit up, and howl’st to find it.”

I sat back in the car seat, exhausted, and said, “That was dramatic, earlier was just crabby.”

“I see,” she said, “can we get going, the other store is going to close, and I really need those kidney beans?”

“Tis my will, if it be thine,” I said, and we drove off into the sunset.

The Point:

OK, true, I hate the grocery store down the street, but honestly, I need to appreciate what I have. We Americans are too accustomed to having everything we want, when and where we want it, and if, God forbid, we don’t get our way, we pout. We need to get over it, and appreciate the Lord’s provision, and realize how little others have.

We are blessed, let’s live like it. That includes, most of all, me.

The Verse:

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. – Colossians 3:16

Level of Embellishment:

Almost completely.


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